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The husband is trying to control my whole life


"I have a problem. I constantly control my husband. How to stop controlling? Where was who called, what did, who was with him and so on. I do not limit it in communication with friends, I do not limit it in actions, but I constantly need to know what is happening to it. If something doesn’t tell me, I’m angry.

I need to know everything about him. I could still understand if I suspected him of infidelity. I know for sure that he has no other woman.

I want to free myself from control mania. Not only do I get tired of myself, but I also torment my husband. He holds on, but sometimes I feel that it costs him great patience.
I want to enjoy life. Rejoice every day, but it does not work.

And I also notice in myself that it is somehow unpleasant for me if he, without warning me, went to a meeting with friends. The thought that he is well there causes me suffering. I myself understand the whole absurdity of what is happening. I know that if I love my husband, I should be happy when he is well. But it makes me angry. I want him to feel good only with me. ”

I can’t unequivocally answer this letter. At the heart of all experiences are the roots of many problems. The first problem is control. Where does he come from?

Very often, women say that they are beginning to control her husband strongly after his betrayal. Nothing like this had happened before. Someone constantly monitors, for no reason, not only her husband, but also other close people. For example, children.
Why is there a need to control?

Everyone knows the use of the word control in the emotional sphere. Control your behavior, control your emotions, feelings. Keep calm. Behind the need to control is the fear of confronting one’s feelings, pain and suffering. By monitoring your husband, you are trying to create a controlled situation for your feelings. There is something inside of you that is very scary. And these can only be feelings associated with pain and suffering.

Most often, painful feelings arise due to fear of loss and betrayal. Fear of betrayal arises when a child too often in childhood is faced with his unjustified expectations. When parents did not always keep their word, did not fulfill promises. When the methods of education were not even, but depended on the mood of one of the parents. Whatever happens, but the atmosphere in the family was uneven. Accordingly, without feeling the soil underfoot, the psyche is looking for its own ways to cope with those unexpected events and actions that cause suffering.

Feelings and ways of interacting with parents are forced out into the unconscious and can doze for a long time. Treason is an event that arouses pain, restoring fear, to face these painful feelings again. Therefore, control wakes up.

When your man or husband has fun and good time with others, then inside you you feel that he left you and betrayed you. You feel bad not because he feels good, but because the pain is sneaking into your soul. As a little girl, you often felt overboard of the holiday of life, feeling your worthlessness and experiencing betrayal.

How to stop controlling?

There is only one reliable and sure way - EXPERIENCE the pain and suffering that your control is trying to drown out. First you need to understand what you are afraid of. Analyze your thoughts and feelings when you want to call, find out, be in the know. Understand your fear. It is very difficult and difficult, but you need to imagine a frightening situation and LIVE the pain associated with it. Supervisory actions are a way to get evidence and confidence that IT has not happened.

When a woman doubts her husband, she calls him in order to make sure that he is really at work, and not with another woman. By calming yourself in this way, you doom yourself to a constant fear of treason, which means you cannot live without control. In order to survive the repressed pain, you do not need to look for evidence that the husband is at work. Go deep into your experience.

If you are afraid of treason and betrayal, then imagine that your man is with another woman. Is it not even possible to imagine this? I believe. This is incredibly painful. It is unbearable even for a second to admit this thought. But running away from pain, fleeing for control, you doom yourself to constant tension and anxiety. Relive this pain once and for all. Live out your suspicions as if they were reality. You only have to believe for real, having lived through fear and pain. Only in this way will you get rid of them forever.

Living the pain at a time is impossible. It takes months, and sometimes years. It all depends on the degree of pain. You cannot live it at once, only drop by drop, living, you become stronger and gain the ability to go into the depths of pain.

Control is an inept attempt to escape from your feelings, which bring you suffering. By controlling, you are constantly in fear and each time glides along the surface of pain, causing yourself suffering. Diving deep into the surface, you will eventually recover from pain.

“A few months ago, my husband cheated on me. I was very upset by his betrayal. Now the relationship is getting better. Husband as a substitute. It behaves as it did not in a honeymoon. But ... He often lingers on work. And at this time doubts overwhelm me. What if he is with someone again? Should I call my husband? Talk about your doubts?
I am afraid that he may soon get tired of my constant control. But I can’t help myself ... "

I always say - the truth is in the middle. It is a tragedy for a woman to learn about a husband’s infidelity. Surviving her and forgiving is really not easy. It takes time.
Learn today about treason, and in a week to live as before - will not work. Betrayal hurts the soul, and these wounds heal for a long time, if at all. If you try to survive everything inside yourself, it will emotionally isolate you from the husband you want to forgive. If you dedicate your husband to all your thoughts and control every step. Believe me, even the most loving and patient man will get tired.

Both are to blame for what happened, so do not try to protect the man from the consequences. Explain your feelings to him. Say that you are afraid of cheating now and ask him for patience.

You are an adult and must take on the residence of pain. And only share part of unpleasant emotions with a man. Together and each individually must survive what happened. If you call him once a night and ask where he is and when he will come, this is one thing. And if you break off the phone every 30 minutes - it's different.

In your case, it is just useful to imagine the situation that he again had another woman. Imagine very vividly, live this pain as if it had happened. You need to understand what you will do in this case. Similarly, imagine a different outcome that this will not happen again. And let go of all the options for developing your life in space. Trust him. In this case, if you let go, everything will be as it will be better for you.

Control exhausts both. For a man, this is pressure from which he can quickly get tired. For a woman, she is stressed all the time.

If you are walking in the dark and behind yourself you hear footsteps. You can go and be afraid, but if you turn around, fear will go away. You look him in the face. Feeling fear, you constantly live in the sensation that the worst can happen. Scroll through all the outcomes and accept them. Then try to relax and live in peace.

Do you know how to be saved if you drown in a water funnel? You need to dive into the depths, and then sail to the side. At a depth, the funnel disappears, and you can easily sail away from it. Staying on the surface of your emotions, avoiding depth, you will always be on the surface of the stream. By fighting it, you are wasting your strength and depriving yourself of the opportunity to live differently.

Another reason for increased control lies in understanding and feeling the boundaries of one’s personal space and the space of another person. If you do not feel your space and your borders, then your attitude towards a man will be very possessive. Therefore, it cannot even enter your head that the husband is a separate person from you. You are not one. You complement each other, but you are in no way part of one whole.

Want to know what borders you have and whether they are?
Close your eyes. Take 3 deep breaths. Introduce yourself anywhere. Now imagine your personal space and somehow designate your territory. Remember. Personal space is the place where you are the mistress. No one can ever enter the territory without your consent. Only you decide who and when will come to you.

In the created boundaries you should be comfortable. Spend a few minutes (3-5) observing yourself and your feelings. In this exercise, you can build boundaries that are convenient and comfortable for you. After some time, you will notice that something elusive has changed in your relationship.

“... He set passwords from me everywhere. If there is nothing to hide, then why passwords, then it deceives and hides something ... "

If a loved one hides the phone, sets passwords, this does not mean that he is hiding something. This may be a sign that your half is trying to defend their territory in this way. If he had the confidence that you respect his borders, then he would hardly have set passwords.
Although it is possible that such behavior is associated not only with the upholding of their space.

Inside you are many different parts. Can control or part of your inner child, afraid of surprises that hurt him. Or a part that is very similar to one of your parents. The strong controlling figure of one of the relatives becomes a part of you. Explicitly or implicitly. Whether you want it or not, you are influenced by these parts. And in this case, go deep and find parts that cannot but control.

Sometimes the fear that a man may think that you are in control of him leads to the fact that you generally avoid phone calls to him. Do not worry. A man always feels that you are calling because of concern or want to control him.

Due to the constant desire to follow, you torment yourself and loved ones. Do not try to do this. Understand that the problem is within your soul. Wanting to control others, you want to control your feelings. Go deep into yourself and find order there. Then you will not need to control the outside world and other people.

Ekaterina Artemyeva

Psychologist, Clinical Psychologist. Specialist from the site

Razvodilovo. There are no such fools and fools.

Soon you will go to the toilet with you, otherwise you suddenly said that you were in a cafe with friends and ate rolls, and you yourself will be shaved by pasties

Wake-up call # 3: Jealous, then love. At first, his jealous behavior does not seem excessive, so there are no obvious signals indicating attempts to control and encroachment on your freedom. In fact, even if you notice that he is unhappy when you are talking to other men or even when you are doing something without him, you probably perceive his reaction as a “sweet” manifestation of love or proof of devotion. Unfortunately, this insignificant demonstration of jealousy by a rapist is only the tip of the iceberg, it will become larger as relations develop and can lead to serious consequences. Jealousy becomes dangerous when it turns into an obsession. The more we are obsessed with something, the more we use our imagination, distorting reality and ignoring rational thinking. Jealousy is the only natural emotion that can lead to psychosis, which manifests itself as an inability to distinguish what is actually happening from what is happening in your head. When you try to point out to him his jealous behavior, the offender will claim that it is a consequence of his true love and concern for you. But excessive jealousy is not a sign of love, it is due to his insecurity, which suggests that he must control or control you in order to keep you.